Welcome to Arlington. Before you park on our streets and flush our toilets, please answer the following questions and obtain the following registrations and permits.
You need to park on the street in front of your own house. You need a permit for this. To obtain one, we need to know the following:
1. How old were you when you first got your driver’s license?
2. Are you the original owner or lessee of your vehicle?
3. How far do you drive every year?
3a. In miles. 3b. In kilometers. 3c. We meant kilometres.
4. Do you ever drive anyone in your vehicle?
4a. How many people? 4b. How often? 4c. How tall are they?
5. How tall are you?
6. Shoe size?
7. What’s your sign?
8. Do you eat breakfast every day?
9. Make, model, and year of the vehicle.
You need to obtain the correct residential parking permit. Please indicate which permit you are applying for. You may or may not apply for the right one, and it may or may not be free. We might also make up new ones between the time when you apply and the time we issue a permit.
1. Flex Pass
2. Vehicle Specific
3. Landlord Permit
4. Short term visitor
5. Long term visitor
To obtain a permit, you must prove residency. To prove residency, you may park in the street outside your new place long enough to unload your household, but please don’t stop to use the bathroom before running down here to apply for the permit to park. Also, please don’t actually run over here. You need a permit for this.
Please note, there are four zones in Arlington County and your permit is not valid in all of them, so try not to drive your car once you park it. And don’t park it in the wrong place.
Well, now that you have unloaded your car and obtained a temporary pass to park in our streets, we see that you have a dog to walk. You need a permit for this. To obtain one, we need to know the following:
1. How old were you when you got your first dog?
2. How many Christmases did you have to ask for a dog before getting one?
3. Does your dog like to ride in the car?
4. Where are you parking your car right now?
5. Did you fall for our trick question?
6. Do you brush your dog’s teeth, as recommended by the American Veterinarians Council?
7. Did your dog go to obedience school?
7a. Private? 7b. Public? 7c. Charter? 7d. Parochial?
8. Breed, age, and vaccination history of dog.
So, your dog needs to poo, does he? You need a permit for this. To obtain one, we need to know the following:
1. Are you collecting your dog’s waste in biodegradable post-consumer material or reusable fair trade organic animal waste baggies?
2. Do you buy these locally or order them from Etsy?
3. Where do you put these bags when they are full?
4. Can you prove residency at this address?
5. Is this the address listed on your parking permit?
6. Did you fall for our trick question this time?
And now we see that you’d like to dispose of your dog’s waste. Naturally, you’ll need a permit for this.
1. Can you prove residency at the address at which you are disposing of the animal waste?
1a. If yes, we’d like to see your permit. If no, which car is yours?
2. Do you know that animal waste is biodegradable?
3. Then why are you throwing the poo in the trash can?
4. No, that’s still not the right trash can.
5. Didn’t you register for the right kind of trash can when you were registering your vehicle, your shoes, your dog, your poop baggies, your iPhone, and your first-born child?
6. What makes you think you can hack it here?
7. Why are you crying?
8. Why are you rocking in the corner and eating your hair? (You’ll need a permit for that.)
9. Don’t you want to live in our commonwealth, where everyone drives new emissions-free cars and wears sensible shoes?
10. Are you jumping in the river?
10a. Permit required.