…and all we found was this tuft of fur

The scene:
Kitchen in the main house under which we live in the shoebox. And later, the shoebox.

The players:
Me
The Other Housemate
Two cats
A squirrel
Dietrich

<redwhiteandnew and The Other Housemate (who lives upstairs where the landlady lives) stand in the kitchen of the main house, eating homemade cookies and chatting about TOH’s day on the slopes. A gray squirrel walks into the kitchen from the dining room.>

Me: AHH!! There’s a squirrel in the house!
TOH: AHH! I hate those! Where?
<the squirrel jets back into the dining room; from where we are now huddled in the corner of the kitchen, we hear it scrambling against the window>
TOH: Was it big?
Me: Normal sized.
TOH: I bet it came in through the dog door.
Me: No doubt. Ha! That would explain the crashing and scrambling I heard earlier. I couldn’t imagine why the cats were being so loud in the living room this afternoon. Now we know.
TOH: That also explains why all the stuff was knocked off the piano and the windowsill above the kitchen sink and why the compost bowl was tilted.
Me: It was on the counters?
Both: Ewwwwwwwwwwww.
TOH: How do we get it out?
Me: In college some guys in my dorm used a lacrosse stick and a pillow case to catch a squirrel in the building. Let’s not do it that way.
TOH: Do we call someone?
Me: This is why husbands are handy. Too bad ours aren’t here.
TOH: Squirrels are gross and I don’t want it to bite me.
Me: These cats are good for nothing. Two against one all day long and it’s still in the house?
TOH: That dog door has got to go. But I bet it will go out the way it came.
Me: Let’s make it easier. <opens back door>
TOH: I can hear it in the living room. I’m going in.
Me: I’ll shoo it out the door if it comes back this way.
<TOH takes broom from corner, walks to living room, trapped squirrel screeching ensues, TOH reappears>
TOH: Ugh! What a disgusting noise! Also, this won’t do me any good if it comes out.
<hands broom to me, grabs snow shovel with blade from back porch>
Me: I’m sending in the cats! <sweeps spectator cats from back porch into the house>
<TOH reappears>
TOH: It’s definitely in the living room and now the cats are too, but I don’t know how to get it to come out and leave. Can we hide in your place?
Me: Yes. And we can Google how to lure a squirrel out of the house. Bring the cookies.

3 minutes later in the shoebox…

Me: All the squirrel sites say “simply” do this and “simply” do that but they all assume an infestation.
Both: EWWW!! Baby squirrel pictures!!
TOH: Those things can be vicious or I’d say let’s send Dietrich up.
Me: My thoughts exactly. I think he’d try to get the ugly thing but I don’t want his pretty little face to be mauled in the process.
TOH: Chasing squirrels out of the house is not in my lease.
Me: Oooo, this site says we can do a kibble trail that leads out of the house. Dietrich is willing to donate a cup. Shall we?

5 minutes later upstairs…

<trail of kibble leads from dining room out the back door; TOH stands in living room with shovel and headlamp, redwhiteandnew stands at open back door with broom>
TOH: I don’t hear it in here anymore. I’m checking the three-season porch. Nope, not there either.
Me: Do you think it left while we were downstairs?
TOH: That’s very possible.
Me: Good because I just realized that with this amount of kibble spread out, it’s going to take the nasty thing ten minutes to eat its way out of the house.
TOH: Hmmm. Let’s scoop some of it up and throw it in the yard away from the house.
Me: Good plan and–SICK!
TOH: Where??
Me: Look! On the rug. There’s a big tuft of fur.
TOH: That’s disgusting.
Me: I think that’s all we’re going to find. The house is awfully quiet.
<picks up squirrel tuft with two double-folded Kleenexes>
TOH: Want me to let Dietrich in so he can eat the kibble trail?
Me: Yes. He’s been crying at the door since we came back upstairs.

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7 thoughts on “…and all we found was this tuft of fur

  1. “In college some guys in my dorm used a lacrosse stick and a pillow case to catch a squirrel in the building. Let’s not do it that way.” 🙂

    I wonder if Dietrich thought you were setting up a special treat hunt for him and then forgot to let him in on it.

  2. I once had a squirrel in my house, too! I believe it also arrived through the dog door. Except I believe the dog carried it in – despite my earlier efforts to plop it outside the fenced backyard, which it apparently did not appreciate and returned to its peril – and played with it to death, leaving it prone on my spare bedroom rug for me to find when I came home from a late Election Night work shift. The husband (mine, not yours) was also out of the picture at that point, leaving me to dispose of the remains via dustpan. Two small boys love this story and the accompanying pantomime. We will be glad to add yours to our repertoire. (A headlamp? They’re so in!)

    • I was called to get an animal out of a house. I opened the front door wide, chased the critter from the dining room through the kitchen and living room, only to see it careening across the foyer (feet going at full speed) until it righted itself on the dining room carpet to begin its second lap. Open door, chase critter… lap 3; open door, chase critter, yell at homeowner to STOP SHUTTING THE DOOR! Whew!
      Homeowners.

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