Man vs. woman, hospital bag style

The little oyster is due three weeks from today. We don’t expect her to show up on her due date but since today makes her full-term, we’re happy to welcome her at any moment. Since I feel like the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria combined when I change positions, sooner rather than later is fine with me. Since pro football began tonight and the husband is thrilled to pieces to have a built-in watching buddy all season, sooner rather than later is fine with him, too.

But there are some final things to do before she arrives and comes home with us forever. The floor needs to be washed, Dietrich needs to be entered in the Cutest Pet on Capitol Hill contest, and the husband has to repack his hospital bag. Why? Because we aren’t moving in to the hospital, we’re going there to have a baby.

The husband: I’m going to pack my hospital bag tonight.
Me: Great! What bag are you taking?
The husband: My rolling suitcase.
Me: Awesome. Then we can put the laptop and the camera in there and not have to haul those around in separate cases.
<ten minutes later>
The husband: Do you know where my hospital socks are? The ones I got in the ER last year? I love those and I want to take them with me.
Me: No, I don’t know where they are.
The husband: Did you pack one of your pairs from the Martha MRIs?
Me: Yes. But just because I don’t have regular slippers right now and all the packing lists say moms should bring slippers.
The husband: Oh, I packed my slippers, too.
Me: Your regular ones with the hard soles?
The husband: Yes.
Me: Oh that’s good. Why do you need hospital socks then?
The husband: Just in case.
Me: I see.
<ten minutes later>
The husband: Have you seen any of my pajama pants?
Me: Your flannel ones?
The husband: Yes.
Me: No. You’re still packing?
The husband: Yes. I want to have my legs covered in case I need to get up in the middle of the night and walk around, so I want pajama pants.
Me: Instead of just gym shorts?
The husband: Yes. But I packed those already just in case.
Me: Really?
The husband: Yes. And do you know where my other jeans are?
Me: What do you mean ‘my other jeans’?
The husband: Well I’m holding my favorite J. Crew pair but I can’t find my Levis.
Me: Why do you need two pairs of jeans?
The husband: Just in case.
Me: Can I see what you have in that suitcase so far?
<the husband opens the top>
Me: Are you done packing?
The husband: No.
Me: What are you doing? Are you putting an extra pair of shoes in there?
The husband: …yes… do you think I won’t need them?
Me: Let me look in your bag.
<hysterical laughter>
Me: How many shirts do you have there, buddy?
The husband: A long-sleeved button down, three t-shirts, a long-sleeved shirt and an undershirt. Oh! I’m going to need another undershirt.
Me: No you’re not! Take all those shirts out and pick one t-shirt to put back in.
The husband: Hmmm. Purple or red?
Me: Surprise me.
The husband: I like them both.
Me: Great, then you can wear one when you get home.
The husband: Oh, I found my hospital socks.
Me: Good deal. So you have your hospital socks, your regular slippers, an extra pair of shoes, two pairs of athletic socks, and–are those dress socks?
The husband: <clears throat> Yes.
Me: Baby, take out half the socks. And the extra shoes.
The husband: Fine. I still can’t find my extra jeans.
Me: You don’t need extra jeans. How long do you think we’re going to be there? You pack less for weekend at the farm.
The husband: What if you have a c-section and we’re there for a few days?
Me: Then you can go home some afternoon and get your extra jeans.
The husband: Fine. Do you think I’ll need both pajama shirts?
Me: No. And is that pile of underwear every pair you own or does it just look like it?
The husband: I didn’t know how much I would need.
Me: You’re not the one giving birth. Leave two pairs in there and put the rest back in the dresser.
The husband: You’re probably right.
Me: Probably. Remember, we need to fit the laptop and camera in here, too.
The husband: Right.
Me: You barely left room for your toothbrush.
The husband: My toothbrush!
Me: Oh my word. Is that your bathing suit??
<silence>
Me: Get it out of there.

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5 thoughts on “Man vs. woman, hospital bag style

  1. I may still have an unopened, fully packed labor bag around here somewhere. If so, it’s in pristine, untouched condition. Takers?

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