Ok. I’m ready to talk about it.
Umbilical cords are gross. Really gross. Right when the baby comes out and it’s still attached (I saw pictures–SO glad I missed that part in person) it’s super gross and it only gets worse as the cord stump–nasty word in itself doesn’t help things–dries up and gets ready to fall off. An umbilical cord is tissue so the cord stump is just rotting tissue that greets you at every diaper change and stays affixed to your new child’s body until its good and ready to go away. Gag.
The hospital staff told us the little oyster’s cord would fall off within a week. When we went for her first pediatrician appointment and it was still attached, her doctor said it would probably fall off within ten days after birth.
When we went for her two-week check up it was still there. “It should fall off in the next few days. It can take two weeks,” they said.
At her three-week weight check it was still there. The nurse doing the check wiped around the cord with an alcohol wipe to assist with the drying-up-and-falling-off process, even though assisting the process is no longer en vogue and the cool parents let their babies’ cords fall off naturally. Their babies’ cords probably fall off within the first ten days, I presume. The nurse told me we could wiggle the cord a little big to speed things along. As much as I wanted the disgusting thing gone, I couldn’t bring myself to touch it, much less wiggle it back and forth. The oyster, who was unbothered by all this, was on her own.
Join us now, a few days after that three-week weight check in October:
Me: The baby needs a new diaper, can you start dinner?
The husband: Yep.
Me: AHH! Her cord is gone! Come quick!
The husband: That’s great! Hey baby girl, look at your belly button!
Me: AHH! But the cord is gone! I’m going to gag.
The husband: That’s a good thing.
Me: <gagging> But it was gone when I opened her onesie so that means it is IN the onesie somewhere. <gags>
The husband: Ohhh. That’s gross.
Me: You have to do it! I can’t be in here! I can’t touch it! You have to find it and get rid of it! <gagging>
The husband: Ok.
Me: <standing in hallway> Is it gone?
The husband: I can’t find–<something small and dry falls to floor>–oh there it is.
Me: GAHH!! I’m going to puke! I heard it!
The husband: Crap. It blends in with the wood, I can’t find it.
The husband: Oh, Diiieeetrich. Dinner!
Me: I’m going to puke! <gags> Dietrich, no, come here. Stay here with Mom who is going to die of being grossed out.
The husband: Got it. It’s in the trash.
Me: Please take the trash out. <gags>
The husband: I will.
Me: I’ll make dinner.
The husband: Great, thanks.
Me: But I can’t eat it now. <gags>