On Saturday the little oyster turned two weeks old. Today is our first day at home alone together. My parents, in town to help out for the last few weeks, left last night and even Dietrich is at his sitter’s house today. The husband is back at work with normal hours.
I’m trying not to be intimidated by the task at hand. But with company like this, who wouldn’t look forward to the day together?
Now redwhiteandnew, what do you know about parenting? The little oyster is but 14 weeks in the oven.
Oh ho. I know a lot about parenting, mostly because I was parented. The husband knows a lot, too, and it helps that we know some of the same things and some different things. Becoming a parent doesn’t suddenly make you an expert in being one, although having had them is a pretty solid crib sheet for the whole gig.
So while we get ready for the little oyster, we are carefully watching parents–both real and fictional–to determine how to approach the humble art and improvisation of {good} parenting. The first thing we have established is that it is equal parts art and improv; there is no science in this.
Some people learn from their parents how to be good ones themselves. Others learn from their parents exactly what not to do when the time comes. And then there are screen parents we all grew up with or watch now, and what we can learn from them might be just as valuable as the in-life things we learned from our own mas and pas.
1. Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable, The Cosby Show
A personal fave, not only as a show but as a parenting example. Though maybe not as a fashion icon.
Bill Cosby’s portrayal of the good Brooklyn ob/gyn leads to regular mental notes for me and the husband. The Huxtable kids aren’t perfect, but each one is allowed to be his or her own person, within the confines of Cliff and Clair’s rules. While the kids are allowed to excel or fail according to their gifts and efforts, each family member is held accountable for their actions. Denise’s attitude is regularly checked but not at the expense of her individuality; Theo’s poor academic performance is dealt with using equal parts fair punishment and assertive encouragement; Vanessa’s exasperating pre-teen insecurities will work themselves out and are allowed to; Rudy is just plain cute, the youngest child who bucks the spoiled baby expectation. Cliff and Clair parent together as allies, sounding boards, and the other one’s reality check.
Lesson: Your kids will sometimes be right, but they’ll get more out of being right if you force them to make a case for it. And they’ll get more out of being wrong when you drive the lesson home with humor and stick to your guns as the parent.
2. Matthew Cuthbert, Anne of Green Gables
This is where I would put a shout-out to my Canadian readers, but I don’t know if Canadians appreciate shout outs. Seems like an American thing.
The crusty, quiet old bachelor who brings the feisty red-haired orphan Anne to Green Gables does the intermittent spoiling while his equally crusty old maid sister Marilla does the raising. Brought up in a spare-the-rod-spoil-the-child home themselves, the Cuthbert siblings err on either side of how they were raised, Marilla tending to emulate the style while Matthew insists that “there’s no reason to raise her as cheerless as we was.” His quiet patience with talkative Anne is a true fondness and while Anne doesn’t ever ask for much and Marilla’s main concern is to raise her in a God-fearing home, Matthew notices and indulges the small desires of young woman whose only parents are no parents at all.
Lesson: Spoiling a child now and then doesn’t mean you’ll raise a spoiled child. The key is now and then.
3. Maria von Trapp, The Sound of Music
Yes, I know Maria von Trapp was a real person and didn’t resemble Julie Andrews in the least. That’s not the point.
I’m still getting used to the idea of having one kid…the thought of going from nun-in-training to stepmother of seven makes my eye twitch. At first Maria is nothing more to the von Trapp children than another governess to drive away but her ability to kill them with kindness brings the surly kids around in no time. The problem, she discovers, is that their father doesn’t know how to raise them and as a result they don’t know how to behave. Are they rude little brats? Definitely. Because they are nasty children at the core? No. Because they don’t know any differently until Maria shows up with her guitar and her “confidence in me” and whips them into ship-shape despite their sea-captain father.
Lesson: Kids should be kids, but rude isn’t an unavoidable part of being a kid. Fortunately, rude can be dealt with in a number of different ways, and finding out what’s really driving a child’s behavior can be the key to correcting it.
4. Arthur and Molly Weasley, Harry Potter
My parents always kissed when the dad came home for lunch. The sisters and I would “ewww!”at the table while they smooched in the kitchen. Kids are dumb.
The only thing the Weasley family is known for more than being poor is being close-knit. Molly’s refrain of “we’ll manage” is pretty much the extent of what they can swing, but manage they always do. Are the younger kids embarrassed by their hand-me-down books and outdated wardrobes? Yes, they are. Do Molly and Arthur wish they could give their kids more? I don’t know, it never comes up. But what the Weasley parents do give their kids is a supportive family, enough to eat, and a place to come home to on school holidays. There’s even room for a few friends to come visit.
Lesson: The family you give your children is worth more than the things you give them.
5. M’Lynn Eatonton, Steel Magnolias
Few things change as quickly as fashion. Good thing, too.
Sally Field’s Type A mothering in Steel Magnolias is a role she rocks, but she gets as annoying as she is decisive. Our kids will always be our kids, but they won’t always be kids. You might disagree with decisions your grown children make–they might even be plain bad decisions–but respecting their adult choices is as respectful to them as you think they should be to you.
Lesson: When your kids grow up, let them go. Out of your life, no, but off to make their own decisions, yes. And for goodness’ sake, crack a smile now and then that your kids are confident enough to make their own choices.
6. Jay and Gloria Pritchett, Modern Family
When Gloria masters the fine art of bike riding she’ll be a triple threat.
On the surface Jay and Gloria are the older man and his trophy wife. While Jay is significantly older than Gloria and she has, um, prize-winning features, the two are more substance than they are gloss. As stepparents Jay is reliving the most impressionable parenting years with Gloria’s precocious 13-year-old son while Gloria works on relating to Jay’s kids, who are exactly her age. Neither tries to take the place of the natural parent in the stepkids’ lives, but each is a better parent to the family than the natural parents were. And the way Jay and Gloria treat one another sets an example for the other relationships in the family. He adores her, she loosens him up, and both want what is best for all the kids. Together they provide a stable cornerstone for a family that is mixed, growing, and modern.
Lesson: Teaming up with your spouse is a great example to set for your kids. Remember which relationship involves a vow.
Now, I don’t expect that the husband and I will remember all these lessons learned from TV and movie parents, but knowing everything in advance would take the fun out of it anyway, wouldn’t it? Of course we’re not experts, but I do stand by my assertion that we’re not going into the parenthood thing totally clueless. We were kids too, after all, and everything we picked up from our own parents can’t be boiled down to a blog post.
The husband: Ok, this one will work. <swings racquet back and forth in aisle>
Me: Do you need to take any balls with you?
The husband: Hmmm. I might. I don’t know if this guy will have some.
Me: Heehee.
The husband: Heehee. <grabs can of racquetball balls>
Me: Anything else?
The husband: It’s really a good idea for me to have goggles. What do you think of these?
Me: Sexy.
The husband: These will work. Ok, I’m ready.
On Sunday the husband discovered that some of our new church friends play racquetball and soon he had Thursday evening plans with one of them. Picking up his new equipment, our conversation turned to rugby, one of the husband’s old pastimes.
In the course of one lap around the sporting goods store, smelling all the athletic gear goodness, we had a brief and valuable conversation about things we have been interested in that maybe just aren’t for us. The husband is thinking that his rugby days may be over–he doesn’t want the risk with a surgically enhanced knee and now a baby on the way. Besides that, it’s a really intense sport to play and keep in shape for. So racquetball and golf it is, with tennis and only the occasional rugby alumni game.
I realized this week that I don’t have the personality to be a full-time freelancer. I loved doing my book reviews in the old days, but that was a side job. I am not cut out to make a career of it, and dragging my feet on responding to freelance opportunities and then my joy at being at my new old job confirm this. I like the idea of freelancing, like I like the idea of being a runner, but it’s just not for me beyond an odd book review or a jog around the block.
In first grade I was selected to represent my class on the student council. Caught by surprise and pretty shy in those days, I took my lunch down to the school library for the first meeting, unsure of what I was doing but sure I didn’t want to do it. I sat alone, set my Little Mermaid lunchbox on the table in front of me, folded my arms over it, put my face on my arms, and bawled.
We simply aren’t made for some things. We aren’t cut out for them. We don’t like or want certain roles for a reason. Then again, what’s uncomfortable at one point might be a great fit later. We change.
Back to first grade me, crying my eyes out at a student council meeting.
By the time I was nearing dehydration, a librarian suggested I join my friends in the cafeteria and consider student council another year. I never considered student council again until high school, when I was elected to the student senate. Then I was NHS president. In college I was dorm president.
Since my inglorious non-start with leadership roles in first grade, I eventually got the hang of what it means to lead. I wasn’t cut out for it in first grade, as Ariel can attest. But eventually I got it and pretty soon I loved it. Now I’m on the social committee at church and this year’s progressive dinner is entirely in my hands, which are not folded over a lunchbox, catching drips.
There is no election to become a parent. Sometimes we think we aren’t cut out for it (not the husband–he’s pumped and can’t believe we have to wait six more months) but then we get used to the idea.
So what if I bawled my eyes out when I first found out I won this particular election? With the husband so excited and family so thrilled for us, I think I have finally got the hang of it. It being the idea of being a mom. Getting a hang of parenting is a whole new blog. Plus, the Little Mermaid lunchbox found a new home before we moved so I had to get it together pretty quick this time.
Now THAT is a happy customer.
red white and new 